I guess I intended for this to be a blog focused on my technical endeavors, but I will make an exception here.
I lost my mom on December 28, 2025. It was December 26 when I learned that she would not make it. The day after Christmas. My wife, my kids and I had visited her at the nursing home Christmas Day. We brought her gifts and a some freshly baked homemade cinnamon rolls. She was 73. She wasn’t in the nursing home because of plain old age. She had been in and out of the hospital following a stroke that left her paralyzed on the left side about 2 months prior. The stroke caused by blood thinners she was taking because of clotting. Then a stroke caused by clots because the doctors took her off of the thinners that caused the initial stroke. Ultimately what took her was a hemorrhaging so severe her brain could no longer function. The pressure in her skull pushed her brain down onto her brain stem which handles the bodies basic functions like breathing, swallowing, living. The damage was permanent and all we could do was wait for her body to slowly give out.
I spent most of my time at the hospital those last two days. By her side, though scientifically I understand she likely never knew.
Ever since the stroke that rendered her left side paralyzed, she struggled to use her phone. Christmas night, after I had left the nursing home, hoping she’d get some much needed rest, she managed to call me. She video called me. She was in a panic. She knew something was not right. I urged her to press the button to call the nurse. I thought it was just more of her back pain she had been complaining of for weeks since she had been bed bound. The nurses were not coming. I had to disconnect with her to call the facility and plead with the staff to check on her. They answered and seemed slightly annoyed and said they’d be in soon. I called my mom back. Amazingly, she answered. She claimed that still no one had come. Once again I disconnected to call the nurses back. Again, annoyed, the nurse said she just needed to finish a report and she’d be right in. I continuously called my mom, hoping she’d pick up again and tell me the nurses had been there and set everything right. But she never did. I just hoped that the nurses had aided her and she was resting peacefully. She would have been put at ease and I’d speak with her the following day. Instead I got a call from the facility informing me that the staff had entered the room to find my mom non-responsive. She would be on her way back to the hospital.
At this point, I am numb to this process. No more panic, no more concern, I just wanted to see my mom, and assure her that we’d be back to our new normal again soon. The ER didn’t let me in right away. I had to wait for her to get checked in and scanned before I’d see her. When I was finally escorted back to the room, I could tell right away, this wasn’t the same old hospital visit. Nurses and doctors surrounded her with a much more frantic body language. She had been intubated, and her eyes rested open staring blankly at the ceiling. The doctor asked me to sit down. From then on, there was no good news. They continued trying everything they could, to no avail. It felt like a fever dream. The fire alarm sounded and no body was really reacting. The ER slowly started to fill with a light haze, but there was no odor. Staff confirmed that there was a fire somewhere in the ER, and we’d have to evacuate. So they took my mom upstairs to the ICU where I’d spend the rest of the night with no more answers.
I had informed my siblings and my uncle of her condition while in the ER. I informed them of my uncertainty, but the message coming through my sobs conveyed the hopelessness the doctors had impressed upon me.
I can’t express how crushed I was. I know I’m not the first to lose a loved one. I’ve lost people in my life. I’ve mourned the loss of pets. But this was several orders of magnitude greater. I knew I’d lose her someday, but this was too soon.
Of my siblings, its hard to say who gave her the hardest time raising us. But of all three kids, I probably broke her heart the worst. I was 18 my senior year, and when I graduated, I had no plans of leaving town and going to some state college in another city. I had been accepted, but I opted not to go. I did much worse. I moved out into an apartment the day after I graduated. And that isn’t an exaggeration, it was literally the day after graduation. It was not far away from home, but the message was clear. I left my mom as soon as I could.
I wish I could say that I’d do things differently if I could go back. But I’d probably still move out. I’ve always cherished my independence. But what I would do differently if I could go back, is I would have spent more time with her when I could. If I knew when I was 16 that I’d only have another 20 years with her on this planet. I’d have spent every moment I could with her. I would have called her more. I would have planned trips with her. I would have taken her to the beach. God, she loved the beach.
But I can’t now. Yes, I was by her side the last 2 months. But that was the least I could do. I just wish I had done more.
I love you Mom. And I’m sorry.